Lost in the night.

I’m stuck in this circle of doubts and unresolved feelings that come up and surround me, like a twister.

I sit back and try to be the observer… asking myself things like “why do I react this way?” “How can I prevent these thoughts?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why does this affect my energy so easily?”

It’s a mixture of everything lately, from words of self doubt, feeling not good enough, not having those pretty eyelashes like all them other girls do, spending 100$ every 3 weeks to get semi permanent fake ones to try to step up to their level of pretty… then wondering, why would I want to change my natural beauty to compete… because I think my ex likes girls who wear eye lashes and makeup… maybe it will make him want to be with me… why would I want a man who doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside… why am I still looking backwards? It’s good against my whole brand… I’m dragging on…

On that note, I know I’ve established a sense of low self esteem, since my other ex cheated on me I haven’t truly been able to find my self esteem again. You see I know I’m beautiful, I know I have so much love to give, I have drive, I’m not a gold digger, I have dreams and passions, I stay as positive as I can, I’m social… but still I am stuck with this feeling of not being good enough… my high school sweetheart didn’t want to keep me, my relationship after cheated on me with multiple people, and I haven’t truly been able to open up to someone ever since. I almost feel like I’ve built into my subconscious that I am not good enough or capable of attracting the men I actually want but never seem to end up with.

I even know how to reprogram my subconscious and how to use manifestation meditations, yet I haven’t been using them.. even writing this makes me realize it may be time to start.

On another note I am stuck with the feeling of responsibility for helping my family become happy. Even though I know it has to come from them, I do everything I am doing in life to learn about happiness, healing, spirituality and health, to try to be able to help them. In return it leaves me drained because when I do try to help I find they push me out and think I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know how they feel and find all more reasons to blame, not take responsibility for their life, or to stay stuck in the past or stressed about the future. It ends in them making me either feel like I’m some weird voodoo person, or rolling their eyes at my efforts, or just getting upset with me and storming out of the conversation. When everything I do has been inspired to help them.

So maybe it isn’t my job to help them at all, maybe I should focus more on just helping myself, not feel selfish for it, and take my learnings to create shifts and a better life for myself!

Then I’m stuck worrying about what my own future is going to look like, how I will achieve my dreams, and so stuck on the future. And trying to get rid of my own past so I can move forward, when I know I have to live in the present… I put so much pressure on myself.

I always try my hardest to be as positive as possible all the time, but I guess I just wanted to be honest with what tends to fill my head that I have to constantly fight with and learn to let go of.

Sleep tight dragonflies. ❤