Flying into love.

In the depths of the night I can’t help but wonder,

About this new soul who’s arrived, making me grow fonder.

The pain I’ve survived through the heartbreaks from the past,

Have forced me to be skeptical before jumping to fast.

These walls I have built, finally have strong foundation.

Is it okay to build a door, and open it to a new creation?

What will tell this time, is it time again?

Or is it going inside, for a moment of zen.

Is it taking a chance, on something new?

Or releasing the pain, I’ve held on to.

I can’t move forward, if I don’t take the steps.

But this bubble I’ve formed, comes with great depths.

Why must it be so hard to trust,

Why have I been hurt already this much?

I can ask the questions over and over,

Or I can take the leap, and change the order.

For now I’m open to the possibilities,

But I’ll protect my heart before I leap.

So bare with me, self… I’m going this way,

I’ll proceed with caution, but I can’t stay.

This comfort I’ve built for myself here,

I can’t stay forever, I must escape my fear.

The only way I can do that, is to face it head on.

To merge with loves rhythm, and dance along.

If I fall again one day, I know I can take it,

Life wouldn’t be fun, hiding under this blanket.

Spreading my wings, is what I’m meant to do.

Flying forward to see the world, from a different view.


So you want to write a book?

So I wanted to write a book…. sorry, let me rephrase; I want and will write a book.

I thought I knew everything when I became awakened, some people know what I mean when I say that, a lot of people think ya okay. But for real, I was there before thinking this was it in life and I’m living to work 8+hrs a day have two days off a week if I’m lucky, pay bills, drink to forget, get stoned to relax, and one day get married and have a family and be more responsible. Ha… but then I became awoken, and since then slowly but surely I awaken bit by bit more and more all the time. I’m open to receive.

I’m open to receive messages, to learn new things, to see people as they are, to accept the difference, to new realizations and discoveries, and to grow.

So what does this have to do with the book? Well I’m sure it will incorporate its way in there. But what I’ve came to realize is a book can’t be written in little time with one realization of awakening. If I’m going to write a book I’m going to live through the things I want to eventually get others to, and be the living example of the success at the end. awakening was just the beginning.

Now how to create the life of my dreams, to find self love, to take control of my life and my circumstances and not let life’s tests distract me or get in the way. Yes I’m awoken, but I’m far from living my dream.

So my next few months I will be truly practicing this game of life, testing out theories, changing my thought process, making jumps, doing things that scare me, working my ass off to get to that point that everyone wants. Pure happiness. Not a mirror of anyone else’s happiness. But my own. Not what my parents want, why my friends think I should do, what my boss thinks I should do. What I want. I’m going to follow my soul.

When I get to the point of peace, contentment, happiness. That is when I will piece together my legacy of how I powered through that shit. And how other people can to. Because I want to leave behind something on this world worth while for the future. Because there is more to life than working until we die. Everyone has their own unique path. And one day I will share my own.

Come at me life, I’ve made it this far through some seemingly unbearable moments, the hell if I’ll let anything stop me now.


Lost in the night.

I’m stuck in this circle of doubts and unresolved feelings that come up and surround me, like a twister.

I sit back and try to be the observer… asking myself things like “why do I react this way?” “How can I prevent these thoughts?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why does this affect my energy so easily?”

It’s a mixture of everything lately, from words of self doubt, feeling not good enough, not having those pretty eyelashes like all them other girls do, spending 100$ every 3 weeks to get semi permanent fake ones to try to step up to their level of pretty… then wondering, why would I want to change my natural beauty to compete… because I think my ex likes girls who wear eye lashes and makeup… maybe it will make him want to be with me… why would I want a man who doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside… why am I still looking backwards? It’s good against my whole brand… I’m dragging on…

On that note, I know I’ve established a sense of low self esteem, since my other ex cheated on me I haven’t truly been able to find my self esteem again. You see I know I’m beautiful, I know I have so much love to give, I have drive, I’m not a gold digger, I have dreams and passions, I stay as positive as I can, I’m social… but still I am stuck with this feeling of not being good enough… my high school sweetheart didn’t want to keep me, my relationship after cheated on me with multiple people, and I haven’t truly been able to open up to someone ever since. I almost feel like I’ve built into my subconscious that I am not good enough or capable of attracting the men I actually want but never seem to end up with.

I even know how to reprogram my subconscious and how to use manifestation meditations, yet I haven’t been using them.. even writing this makes me realize it may be time to start.

On another note I am stuck with the feeling of responsibility for helping my family become happy. Even though I know it has to come from them, I do everything I am doing in life to learn about happiness, healing, spirituality and health, to try to be able to help them. In return it leaves me drained because when I do try to help I find they push me out and think I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know how they feel and find all more reasons to blame, not take responsibility for their life, or to stay stuck in the past or stressed about the future. It ends in them making me either feel like I’m some weird voodoo person, or rolling their eyes at my efforts, or just getting upset with me and storming out of the conversation. When everything I do has been inspired to help them.

So maybe it isn’t my job to help them at all, maybe I should focus more on just helping myself, not feel selfish for it, and take my learnings to create shifts and a better life for myself!

Then I’m stuck worrying about what my own future is going to look like, how I will achieve my dreams, and so stuck on the future. And trying to get rid of my own past so I can move forward, when I know I have to live in the present… I put so much pressure on myself.

I always try my hardest to be as positive as possible all the time, but I guess I just wanted to be honest with what tends to fill my head that I have to constantly fight with and learn to let go of.

Sleep tight dragonflies. ❤

New Realizations

Break Free

Have you ever gone through life constantly having one thing after another happen to you, leaving you feeling like a victim? Asking why does this happen to me? Leaving you thinking there must not be a “god” or higher spirit or whatever you wanna call it and if there is he must be punishing you. I know I’ve definitely been there. In fact it actually took me years to really find any sense in who I was meant to be and why my life has turned out this way. The good thing is, it can and will get better. The news you may not want to hear is, its entirely up to you..

If you haven’t already been told, our brain is like an iceburg. We use 10% of it in our daily life, with our choces we make, our quick decisions, daily plans, short term memories. The other 80% has been programmed throughout the years of our lives, our subconscious. It holds our long term memories, belief systems, where our dreams our created. From the ages 0-6 Years old, our subconscious is like a sponge, everything we pick up in those years is solidified by the age of 6 and carries forward in our daily lives for years to come, whether we know it or not. BUT, the cool thing to know is you can actually REPROGRAM your subconscious!! Yes that’s right you read that right… It takes patience and repetition, but its doable! I will get back to this later on.

So just to be clear, you were not responsible for the beliefs and perhaps the traumas you have experienced as a child, but you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it as an adult.

I grew up in a Christian family, went to church, bible school, bible camps etc. So it was great I grew up believing in a higher spirit but I also felt there was something more to know, and things didn’t add up. I was told once while in bible camp that I was not aloud to believe in both god, and reincarnation. So I left that summer taking my faith away from god and chose to believe in just reincarnation. For years this began to affect my life negatively because I no longer knew how to believe in a “higher spirit” I was one of those people who said I believe in me and am just living for today.. while this is great, it wasn’t satisfying, it takes away the fact that there is a divine plan for you.

When you are not aligned with your true intention for greater good and in connection with the “universe” or “god” or “the divine” “higher spirit” whatever you want to call it, you don’t know what your living for anymore. It almost takes you away from yourself in a sense, you start to live for exterior satisfactions. Mine was my family or friends, all I lived for was making them happy or laugh. It was great but I still felt I had no true purpose. And when I lost family members and friends I felt there must not be a god if I lost that person. So one day after I felt enough was enough and dug into some spiritual books and documentaries, I finally had my own first awakening.

I wanna make note, before this, nobody could have told me differently it was entirely up to me to make the steps and choose to even glue into those steps. Your spiritual journey is your own, it will come on your own time, in your own way, you just got to start walking, when your ready.

For me, I was flying over the world, literally.. I was in an airplane and I was flying home from a much needed trip with my family and friends back home. I had just gone through a breakup with someone who was about to move in with me and I started listening to my instincts for once and decided I couldn’t do it, when I was looking down at the world below me and reading “The universe has your back” by Gabrielle Burnstien and I was writing down my answers to the questions she was asking in one of the last chapters, it was something like “What would your life look like if you knew you were being guided” “What would you do differently if you knew the universe had your back?” “Do you have spiritual proof that the universe is guiding you?” It wasn’t until I actually wrote these answers out and re read what I wrote that this feeling inside me overtook all my senses..  I looked around at the people around me and wondered if they could feel it to.. I could hear all the advice that parents, friends, siblings, mentors ever has told me rushing through my head. It was like it all just.. clicked… I got off the plane and as soon as I landed I took a deep breath and ass I exhaled I felt every stress and worry leave my body, there was no need to look back anymore. I knew this was the beginning of great things to come. My alignment was back.

After this I took a certification to be a life coach practitioner, decided one day I will release a book, and embarked on a spiritual journey of energy healing, yoga, reiki, crystals, etc. It was in my life coach course I first heard of the 0-6 years of our subconscious and how we can reprogram it. A good way to start, is affirmations. Make a list of affirmations you would like to believe even if you don’t believe it yet. Just by saying them to yourself daily will end up programming them into your subconscious and in return begin to show up in your everyday life. Another great way is what I call a personal meditation or a “life script” its where you make a paragraph long script of your life how you want it to be but in present tense, using very descriptive positive words. You repeat it 5x on a recording, and listen to it once when you wake up and once before bed. This allows your subconscious to be programed to believe a new reality rather than the reality it has believed up until now, in return, manifesting the life you want! … like I said, its all up to you!

“Where the mind goes, the man follows.” So where do you want to go?

life lessons

Re Write Your Story

How do you tell your story?

I’ve always been one who tries to look at the brighter side of things. No matter how terrible they may feel. There’s got to be some sort of reason for everything that’s happened doesn’t there?

I seldomly like to “gloat” about the things I’ve been through or seen on my journey of life. I’ve been around many people who have had hard times. While they have every right to be upset and talk about them, I find when you constantly talk about your story and past as if all of it was terrible and negative, your future continues to be this vicious circle of “Why me?”.

That being said, when I spoke of myself with extreme positivity and love, I was instantly shut down by people around me who were envious of my happy energy, and quickly told that I infact haven’t experienced true pain. That was the only reason I was so happy. This stoked some coals inside and sparked a certain flame. In the moment, I wanted to scream and tell him he had absolutely no idea what I had been through in my life. Instead, I took a deep breath and pointed out to him how unhappy he must be inside when he is trying to find a reason for my happiness being fake.

After that I thought, maybe I should tell some of my story. You know, so people didn’t underestimate my pain or happiness. I started writing a book, I got 7 chapters in and realized I just didn’t want to make a book so fixated on my childhood traumas. I have came to the conclusion, I needed to we write my story.

Instead of writing all the traumas I have suffered, I had to we write it as a positive version of what I got out of all of those life experiences.

As an example I will share a few that I have been able to turn around. I want to challenge you to do the same. Life is about the way you handle the things that come your way in life. I could be some alcoholic pill popping drug addict and be able to find many excuses why I was that way. But I chose to be the opposite.

My story used to be:

I grew up with an older brother who was very addicted to crack cocaine from a very young age. The drugs took over so bad that I was put into many situations a young child shouldn’t have to see or go through. My brother tried to sell me for drugs, I had to hide money in my teddy bears because he would find it and take it, I watched him fight against my mom and my other brother hiding bills in his mouth, trying to steal the family vehicles, going in and out of jail from committing pointless crimes to get his fix. Woke up Christmas morning to a phone call of drug dealers beating him in the background threatening that if my mother didn’t send ME (14 years old) into the local dairy queen with over 1000$ cash he would be killed. I held hatred toward my brother from many of these things.

My mother was always so concerned about him that she had no time for me. She missed my Prom photos because my brother stole her truck. She was late for my 19th birthday for the same reasons then spent the entire time on the phone dealing with the issue. She had her own issues that got me to a point in life where I had to take myself out of her life. I almost blocked her on everything. Then my brother was pronounced dead, at the age of 25 years old. This was now the 5th major family death I’ve had to encounter. It sent me into a huge head spin. I couldn’t understand how life just kept going on at this point, how the street lights still turned green, how the cars kept driving. The people kept going on their morning runs, music kept playing. The world kept on spinning, when my world felt like it was constantly crashing down.

My parents split up when I was 9, which I was blamed for by my older brother. I didn’t stop them from arguing anymore, it was my fault. I carried this for years. I watched as my mother tried to have new relationships. I watched her sob when they didn’t work out. I welcomes new people and new homes into my life as she tried to find the right person. It didn’t really help my views on relationships. On one end I learned I could be alone forever and close my heart off like my dad. On the other end I learned I shouldn’t be alone and to keep trying to search for love. It left my own love life very confused and the feeling of unworthiness left me not able to hold on to the good people and stuck with men that would hurt me.

I would be frustrated because I was moving from city to town constantly when I was younger, I was always “the new girl”. Always trying to fit in. It gave me no way to grow roots somewhere. Struggling the New Girl battle of rumors and envy.

Now, here’s my re written version:

I grew up In a small town with two older brothers. One who taught me the importance of life, and staying away from drugs, living life with a clear head so I did not turn into someone I never wanted to be, or worse, get taken from this world completely. He taught me to not judge the people who are hurting or suffering from addiction, to look at them with an open heart. And one who taught me to stay strong, stay loyal to family, fight and work for what I dream of having and doing, and to never give up. They added character to my life. both of them.

My father taught me the value of waiting for the right person, patience, and understanding. He taught me how to be smart with my money and my studies of life. And through seeing his stubbornness, I found my stubbornness and was able to release myself from that. My mother taught me the importance of living with a clear head, staying away from prescriptions as when I would see what they did to her, I wanted nothing to do with them. When I saw how chasing love only backfired and hurt her, I learned what I didn’t want for myself. I wanted to grow into a strong, independent woman who was respected and love was earned. It all shaped me into who I am today.

My trials of relationships helped me catch my weaknesses and strengths, every single one of them taught me something different about myself, helped me learn and grow, helped me see what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. They helped me develop my sense of self worth, and forced me to seek information from books and other people to guide me to the understandings I have today.

Being the new girl and moving so much helped me become very social. I can start a conversation with just about anyone. I can make a group of strangers laugh. Because of having to constantly learn how to fit in in multiple places throughout life its made me outgoing, friendly, and understanding of diversity. I love meeting new people and have a strong belief that everyone in my journey is here for some reason or another to teach me something or learn something from me.

Losing the people I have in life to either death, or just loss of friendship, has allowed me to accept that everything comes to an end. It has helped me deal with hard times in a calm manner, accept the things I have no control over, and find light in many dark situations.

Everything in life has a good side and a bad side to it. We can dwell on the sadness and nobody would blink an eye to it. Or we can look at the brighter side, and share our understanding for the good that has came out of tough times, and help inspire the world around us to do the same. The most successful/happiest people are the ones who can find light in any situation.

Who would you rather be?

Maybe its time to re write some of your story?

Until next time!

Kaitlin Hoekstra