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So you want to write a book?

So I wanted to write a book…. sorry, let me rephrase; I want and will write a book.

I thought I knew everything when I became awakened, some people know what I mean when I say that, a lot of people think ya okay. But for real, I was there before thinking this was it in life and I’m living to work 8+hrs a day have two days off a week if I’m lucky, pay bills, drink to forget, get stoned to relax, and one day get married and have a family and be more responsible. Ha… but then I became awoken, and since then slowly but surely I awaken bit by bit more and more all the time. I’m open to receive.

I’m open to receive messages, to learn new things, to see people as they are, to accept the difference, to new realizations and discoveries, and to grow.

So what does this have to do with the book? Well I’m sure it will incorporate its way in there. But what I’ve came to realize is a book can’t be written in little time with one realization of awakening. If I’m going to write a book I’m going to live through the things I want to eventually get others to, and be the living example of the success at the end. awakening was just the beginning.

Now how to create the life of my dreams, to find self love, to take control of my life and my circumstances and not let life’s tests distract me or get in the way. Yes I’m awoken, but I’m far from living my dream.

So my next few months I will be truly practicing this game of life, testing out theories, changing my thought process, making jumps, doing things that scare me, working my ass off to get to that point that everyone wants. Pure happiness. Not a mirror of anyone else’s happiness. But my own. Not what my parents want, why my friends think I should do, what my boss thinks I should do. What I want. I’m going to follow my soul.

When I get to the point of peace, contentment, happiness. That is when I will piece together my legacy of how I powered through that shit. And how other people can to. Because I want to leave behind something on this world worth while for the future. Because there is more to life than working until we die. Everyone has their own unique path. And one day I will share my own.

Come at me life, I’ve made it this far through some seemingly unbearable moments, the hell if I’ll let anything stop me now.

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Lost in the night.

I’m stuck in this circle of doubts and unresolved feelings that come up and surround me, like a twister.

I sit back and try to be the observer… asking myself things like “why do I react this way?” “How can I prevent these thoughts?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why does this affect my energy so easily?”

It’s a mixture of everything lately, from words of self doubt, feeling not good enough, not having those pretty eyelashes like all them other girls do, spending 100$ every 3 weeks to get semi permanent fake ones to try to step up to their level of pretty… then wondering, why would I want to change my natural beauty to compete… because I think my ex likes girls who wear eye lashes and makeup… maybe it will make him want to be with me… why would I want a man who doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside… why am I still looking backwards? It’s good against my whole brand… I’m dragging on…

On that note, I know I’ve established a sense of low self esteem, since my other ex cheated on me I haven’t truly been able to find my self esteem again. You see I know I’m beautiful, I know I have so much love to give, I have drive, I’m not a gold digger, I have dreams and passions, I stay as positive as I can, I’m social… but still I am stuck with this feeling of not being good enough… my high school sweetheart didn’t want to keep me, my relationship after cheated on me with multiple people, and I haven’t truly been able to open up to someone ever since. I almost feel like I’ve built into my subconscious that I am not good enough or capable of attracting the men I actually want but never seem to end up with.

I even know how to reprogram my subconscious and how to use manifestation meditations, yet I haven’t been using them.. even writing this makes me realize it may be time to start.

On another note I am stuck with the feeling of responsibility for helping my family become happy. Even though I know it has to come from them, I do everything I am doing in life to learn about happiness, healing, spirituality and health, to try to be able to help them. In return it leaves me drained because when I do try to help I find they push me out and think I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know how they feel and find all more reasons to blame, not take responsibility for their life, or to stay stuck in the past or stressed about the future. It ends in them making me either feel like I’m some weird voodoo person, or rolling their eyes at my efforts, or just getting upset with me and storming out of the conversation. When everything I do has been inspired to help them.

So maybe it isn’t my job to help them at all, maybe I should focus more on just helping myself, not feel selfish for it, and take my learnings to create shifts and a better life for myself!

Then I’m stuck worrying about what my own future is going to look like, how I will achieve my dreams, and so stuck on the future. And trying to get rid of my own past so I can move forward, when I know I have to live in the present… I put so much pressure on myself.

I always try my hardest to be as positive as possible all the time, but I guess I just wanted to be honest with what tends to fill my head that I have to constantly fight with and learn to let go of.

Sleep tight dragonflies. ❤

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Late night poetry.

The silence of the night creeps into my heart.

How did I get here again, where did it start.

The depth of this hurt, I’ve felt all before.

Another sleepless night, washes up shore.

As I lay here in my head, and bring forth my own guilt.

Toss and turn in my bed, feeling my heart start to wilt.

How did I let this happen, and open up once again?

Where did the walls I built go, why did I let someone in?

All these thoughts, won’t let me feel at peace.

I didn’t deserve this, it’s time for release.

Time to release, the pain trapped inside. There’s nowhere to hide, already on the slide.

Time to release, I’m down for this ride, the tears I have cried, they came and they dried.

Time to release, it all down the landslide, wash it away in the tide, and rebuilt a new pride.

Time to release, climb up that mountain side, keep my dreams far and wide, leave me here dignified.

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Trying to find the right one for me.

So I’ve been on a journey recently. I went from almost engaged and planning to start a family. To completely shattered and very single. Though I had many friends around, I felt the most alone I’ve felt in years.

I found out the man I called my significant other was living a double life. Sleeping around, doing drugs behind my back, putting me in dangerous situations. It was hard to face because I loved him dearly. We felt like soul mates because of how well we connected. We danced in the middle of restaurants and sang our favourite playlists for hours. We’d find adventure in every day, drink wine in bed and we’ll, you know. Our spirits were so similar. But, when things aren’t meant to be, they won’t, no matter how hard you try to make it work. So it came to an end.

It wasn’t easy in the slightest. I went through a very hard depression. I lost 30lbs, I lost myself. Eventually my parents made me move home so I could work on myself again. It’s been two years since that came to an end. We actually tried to get back together… if you could imagine, silly me! But I quickly ended that when my instincts took over. You see, it wasn’t until maybe half a year after things ended with that person, and I tried to have a relationship with a guy who was nowhere near ready for what I was looking for that I realized I never listened to my instincts.

The power of your instinct is so incredibly important. It’s one of our main sources of our spiritual power to help guide us through life situations. Not just in relationship stuff but everyday stuff.

Ive been home for 6 months now trying to  indulge in my journey of “finding myself”.    Yet I still long to meet my soulmate. I know everyone says “he will come when you aren’t looking” but it’s hard to not look. I want to love someone, connect with someone. Nurture someone. Care about someone. I feel like I’m getting to a stage in my life where I want to meet him sooner than later because I don’t want to start a family late. I want to begin my family around 27years old.. I’m 24 right now so that gives me 3 years. 3 years id like to build a foundation with someone.

Yet here I sit, with my two cats. Just cats! They don’t cuddle me back, they don’t tell me I’m beautiful. They don’t take me on adventures. I know I’m being stubborn. I know the universe has a plan for me. Maybe there are lessons I need to learn first before I find my special someone. Maybe I need to focus on me right now, my personal growth, my courses I want to take. The things I want to know. I need the time I have now, without someone distracting me, to learn, grow and better understand who I am.

So here it goes again. I’ll give it a better shot this time. Starting with this blog site! Here goes nothing!