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Late night poetry.

The silence of the night creeps into my heart.

How did I get here again, where did it start.

The depth of this hurt, I’ve felt all before.

Another sleepless night, washes up shore.

As I lay here in my head, and bring forth my own guilt.

Toss and turn in my bed, feeling my heart start to wilt.

How did I let this happen, and open up once again?

Where did the walls I built go, why did I let someone in?

All these thoughts, won’t let me feel at peace.

I didn’t deserve this, it’s time for release.

Time to release, the pain trapped inside. There’s nowhere to hide, already on the slide.

Time to release, I’m down for this ride, the tears I have cried, they came and they dried.

Time to release, it all down the landslide, wash it away in the tide, and rebuilt a new pride.

Time to release, climb up that mountain side, keep my dreams far and wide, leave me here dignified.

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Trying to find the right one for me.

So I’ve been on a journey recently. I went from almost engaged and planning to start a family. To completely shattered and very single. Though I had many friends around, I felt the most alone I’ve felt in years.

I found out the man I called my significant other was living a double life. Sleeping around, doing drugs behind my back, putting me in dangerous situations. It was hard to face because I loved him dearly. We felt like soul mates because of how well we connected. We danced in the middle of restaurants and sang our favourite playlists for hours. We’d find adventure in every day, drink wine in bed and we’ll, you know. Our spirits were so similar. But, when things aren’t meant to be, they won’t, no matter how hard you try to make it work. So it came to an end.

It wasn’t easy in the slightest. I went through a very hard depression. I lost 30lbs, I lost myself. Eventually my parents made me move home so I could work on myself again. It’s been two years since that came to an end. We actually tried to get back together… if you could imagine, silly me! But I quickly ended that when my instincts took over. You see, it wasn’t until maybe half a year after things ended with that person, and I tried to have a relationship with a guy who was nowhere near ready for what I was looking for that I realized I never listened to my instincts.

The power of your instinct is so incredibly important. It’s one of our main sources of our spiritual power to help guide us through life situations. Not just in relationship stuff but everyday stuff.

Ive been home for 6 months now trying to  indulge in my journey of “finding myself”.    Yet I still long to meet my soulmate. I know everyone says “he will come when you aren’t looking” but it’s hard to not look. I want to love someone, connect with someone. Nurture someone. Care about someone. I feel like I’m getting to a stage in my life where I want to meet him sooner than later because I don’t want to start a family late. I want to begin my family around 27years old.. I’m 24 right now so that gives me 3 years. 3 years id like to build a foundation with someone.

Yet here I sit, with my two cats. Just cats! They don’t cuddle me back, they don’t tell me I’m beautiful. They don’t take me on adventures. I know I’m being stubborn. I know the universe has a plan for me. Maybe there are lessons I need to learn first before I find my special someone. Maybe I need to focus on me right now, my personal growth, my courses I want to take. The things I want to know. I need the time I have now, without someone distracting me, to learn, grow and better understand who I am.

So here it goes again. I’ll give it a better shot this time. Starting with this blog site! Here goes nothing!