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Making the right choices for you.

You look around and all you see is the people around you getting married, having kids, posting about their wicked vacation their on or how in love they are. It’s all around us… Especially at this age.

I’m 25 and parts of me feels like I’ve fallen behind on some track of life.

But then you look forward and you see divorce, child custody battles, married couples who can’t stand one another but still fake it on their social media. The lists go on, I’m sure you already have some in your head.

So you sit and contemplate, do you join society in getting a dating app and swiping for attraction and find something that may or may not be right but fill a void of feeling alone for now? Or do you stick to your own path, be the lone wolf because deep down you want something real, something better for yourself.

You’ve waited this long, you’ve probably been in at least one or a couple serious relationships by now, you have a pretty good idea of what you want to feel when you meet the one for you.

Here’s a way to stay true to yourself, with clarity:

Step 1- Decide exactly how YOU want to live your life, how you want it to turn out, for only you, do not factor in anyone else, just you. (Unless of course you have a child to think about which of course that needs to be considered into your plans now.)

Step 2- Write it down. Write exactly how it feels, what you hear, what you see, what you smell, what you taste. The words you hear, the people you have around you, your dream partner, how he/she treats you. Write it in present tense as If you already have it.

Step 3- Before making ANY decisions moving forward, as yourself, “Will this get me closer to the life I want to live, or further from it?” Think of how your decisions will affect that future rather than your immediate satisfactions.

Now, be aware the path that you have the least resistance to, will in most cases take you further from you end goal than the choice that seems more difficult. “But an easy trek in the wrong direction is ultimately far more exhausting and devastating than an uphill climb toward euphoria.”

It is your life, you are the one who is carrying yourself through it, you are the one making the choices. You have gotten yourself here, now where do you want to go?

Make choices that honour you. Do not look around you to seek validation from what others are doing, they are on their own path, and often you will find they are learning and make mistakes to. People may seem like they know all the answers and try to give you their opinions, you may want to take that opinion, but remember, this is your life.

If you do not honour yourself, what is all this for? You are here for a reason. When you live out your true potential, you inspire others to do the same.

 

Some material from one of my favourite books–> Buddhist Boot Camp, By Timber Hawkeye (A MUST read!!)

 

Single Mom Life, Uncategorized

Choosing to be a single mom.

It wasn’t easy in the slightest. It all began in the washroom at Walmart, at 7:05 am. I waited in the parking lot for about an hour before they opened there doors because I could not go any longer without being sure. So there I was… looking down at these two pink lines on a pregnancy test in a stall in the public washroom at Walmart. So many thoughts went through my head… my head was spinning. I put it in my purse, walked out, and went back to my car. Then I cried.

I called my bestfriend, she knew right away, she wasn’t sure what to say or how to properly say it. She did her best and told me its really up to me what I do next and gave me support in whatever direction I chose. I began to drive home, I couldn’t sit alone in my thoughts. No song could help me right now. So I called another bestfriend, she always gives me good advice. She said a lot of helpful words to keep my mind at ease. I lost reception so I decided to just make it home.

My mom was there waiting. I had sent her a photo of the test while I was in the stall so I had a bunch of texts from her I hadn’t opened. She came outside to my car and acted like this was the best news ever. My heart was numb, I told her not to get too excited as I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet.

I had to tell the father. The last time we spoke we got in a fight and he basically told me that we never need to speak again and it would be better that way. I texted him and told him I needed to speak to him and it was important, to please call me when he could. While I sat there talking with my mom, the phone rang. My heart pounded. I answered.

“Hello?” I said. “Hey, what do you want.” He replied. I took a deep breath… How was I going to even say this out loud to him? I gathered myself together the best I could and began, “Well, I don’t know exactly how to say this.. but I took a pregnancy test and well.. I’m pregnant.” He was silent, he followed with what I figured he would say by saying I need to be real about this, that we are both not ready for it, especially him, and I should consider getting rid of it. However, ill give him the benefit of the doubt he still made sure to say, whatever I choose he will support me. When we hung up the phone I left it with the fact that I had a lot to think about and that I would be going to the doctor as soon as I could and figure out my options. He texted me later and said he would like to go.

I should also mention at this point he had already found a new girlfriend he was dating since we well, you know. So all of this was just one of my biggest nightmares in the sense that I always wanted to have kids, but never like this. My heart was shattered.

We met a few days later to go to the doctor, who confirmed I was indeed pregnant. Then again in Walmart parking lot.. we sat at our vehicles and he basically said everything he could to convince me not to go through with this. When we finally left the conversation I drove myself to the beach. I had to think.

As I sat there I prayed and prayed for god to help this choice become clear to me. I felt so lost. I went back to my car and I called the abortion clinic. They were closed, I left a message. Later on that night I decided to join a single moms group to see what other single moms advice would be. The support and love and strength I felt from the responses helped me immensely. I knew then, I could in fact do this, with or without him.

So I sent him a text saying I will be doing this, and his role is completely up to him. Later on that night he replied, and said lets do this, and give it the best shot we have. Not together romantically, but as a team to raise this child. It really made me feel so much more relieved.

So there I was, officially embracing my first steps of being a mom… I had to break the news to important family members. I was so scared to tell my dad. When I eventually did he surprised me and gave me his support no matter what. I realised that I wasn’t going to be alone, I had a village to help raise my child. Even the fathers side of the family reached out to me and made sure I knew they would be there.

Now I’m 4 1/2 months pregnant, and boy I’ve gone through ups and downs I’m half way there and I’m excited, scared, nervous, and everything in between. However; I know in my heart I will be the best mom I possibly can. Its about me and my child now. I have a deeper purpose, I’m creating life inside me. It feels beautiful and nerve racking all at once. I’m glad I made this choice.

All I knew is I would look back and wonder what if my whole life if I chose not to have it. And I knew I wouldn’t look back and think, “Damn I wish I didn’t have this child.”38697879_304410736796310_8114340626952093696_n

Whatever choice you choose to make, at the end of the day, is the right choice for you. You can get the opinions from so many different people, but ultimately it is your choice, one you have to live with forever. Make it the right one.

Uncategorized

So you want to write a book?

So I wanted to write a book…. sorry, let me rephrase; I want and will write a book.

I thought I knew everything when I became awakened, some people know what I mean when I say that, a lot of people think ya okay. But for real, I was there before thinking this was it in life and I’m living to work 8+hrs a day have two days off a week if I’m lucky, pay bills, drink to forget, get stoned to relax, and one day get married and have a family and be more responsible. Ha… but then I became awoken, and since then slowly but surely I awaken bit by bit more and more all the time. I’m open to receive.

I’m open to receive messages, to learn new things, to see people as they are, to accept the difference, to new realizations and discoveries, and to grow.

So what does this have to do with the book? Well I’m sure it will incorporate its way in there. But what I’ve came to realize is a book can’t be written in little time with one realization of awakening. If I’m going to write a book I’m going to live through the things I want to eventually get others to, and be the living example of the success at the end. awakening was just the beginning.

Now how to create the life of my dreams, to find self love, to take control of my life and my circumstances and not let life’s tests distract me or get in the way. Yes I’m awoken, but I’m far from living my dream.

So my next few months I will be truly practicing this game of life, testing out theories, changing my thought process, making jumps, doing things that scare me, working my ass off to get to that point that everyone wants. Pure happiness. Not a mirror of anyone else’s happiness. But my own. Not what my parents want, why my friends think I should do, what my boss thinks I should do. What I want. I’m going to follow my soul.

When I get to the point of peace, contentment, happiness. That is when I will piece together my legacy of how I powered through that shit. And how other people can to. Because I want to leave behind something on this world worth while for the future. Because there is more to life than working until we die. Everyone has their own unique path. And one day I will share my own.

Come at me life, I’ve made it this far through some seemingly unbearable moments, the hell if I’ll let anything stop me now.

Uncategorized

Lost in the night.

I’m stuck in this circle of doubts and unresolved feelings that come up and surround me, like a twister.

I sit back and try to be the observer… asking myself things like “why do I react this way?” “How can I prevent these thoughts?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why does this affect my energy so easily?”

It’s a mixture of everything lately, from words of self doubt, feeling not good enough, not having those pretty eyelashes like all them other girls do, spending 100$ every 3 weeks to get semi permanent fake ones to try to step up to their level of pretty… then wondering, why would I want to change my natural beauty to compete… because I think my ex likes girls who wear eye lashes and makeup… maybe it will make him want to be with me… why would I want a man who doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside… why am I still looking backwards? It’s good against my whole brand… I’m dragging on…

On that note, I know I’ve established a sense of low self esteem, since my other ex cheated on me I haven’t truly been able to find my self esteem again. You see I know I’m beautiful, I know I have so much love to give, I have drive, I’m not a gold digger, I have dreams and passions, I stay as positive as I can, I’m social… but still I am stuck with this feeling of not being good enough… my high school sweetheart didn’t want to keep me, my relationship after cheated on me with multiple people, and I haven’t truly been able to open up to someone ever since. I almost feel like I’ve built into my subconscious that I am not good enough or capable of attracting the men I actually want but never seem to end up with.

I even know how to reprogram my subconscious and how to use manifestation meditations, yet I haven’t been using them.. even writing this makes me realize it may be time to start.

On another note I am stuck with the feeling of responsibility for helping my family become happy. Even though I know it has to come from them, I do everything I am doing in life to learn about happiness, healing, spirituality and health, to try to be able to help them. In return it leaves me drained because when I do try to help I find they push me out and think I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know how they feel and find all more reasons to blame, not take responsibility for their life, or to stay stuck in the past or stressed about the future. It ends in them making me either feel like I’m some weird voodoo person, or rolling their eyes at my efforts, or just getting upset with me and storming out of the conversation. When everything I do has been inspired to help them.

So maybe it isn’t my job to help them at all, maybe I should focus more on just helping myself, not feel selfish for it, and take my learnings to create shifts and a better life for myself!

Then I’m stuck worrying about what my own future is going to look like, how I will achieve my dreams, and so stuck on the future. And trying to get rid of my own past so I can move forward, when I know I have to live in the present… I put so much pressure on myself.

I always try my hardest to be as positive as possible all the time, but I guess I just wanted to be honest with what tends to fill my head that I have to constantly fight with and learn to let go of.

Sleep tight dragonflies. ❤

Uncategorized

Late night poetry.

The silence of the night creeps into my heart.

How did I get here again, where did it start.

The depth of this hurt, I’ve felt all before.

Another sleepless night, washes up shore.

As I lay here in my head, and bring forth my own guilt.

Toss and turn in my bed, feeling my heart start to wilt.

How did I let this happen, and open up once again?

Where did the walls I built go, why did I let someone in?

All these thoughts, won’t let me feel at peace.

I didn’t deserve this, it’s time for release.

Time to release, the pain trapped inside. There’s nowhere to hide, already on the slide.

Time to release, I’m down for this ride, the tears I have cried, they came and they dried.

Time to release, it all down the landslide, wash it away in the tide, and rebuilt a new pride.

Time to release, climb up that mountain side, keep my dreams far and wide, leave me here dignified.

Uncategorized

Trying to find the right one for me.

So I’ve been on a journey recently. I went from almost engaged and planning to start a family. To completely shattered and very single. Though I had many friends around, I felt the most alone I’ve felt in years.

I found out the man I called my significant other was living a double life. Sleeping around, doing drugs behind my back, putting me in dangerous situations. It was hard to face because I loved him dearly. We felt like soul mates because of how well we connected. We danced in the middle of restaurants and sang our favourite playlists for hours. We’d find adventure in every day, drink wine in bed and we’ll, you know. Our spirits were so similar. But, when things aren’t meant to be, they won’t, no matter how hard you try to make it work. So it came to an end.

It wasn’t easy in the slightest. I went through a very hard depression. I lost 30lbs, I lost myself. Eventually my parents made me move home so I could work on myself again. It’s been two years since that came to an end. We actually tried to get back together… if you could imagine, silly me! But I quickly ended that when my instincts took over. You see, it wasn’t until maybe half a year after things ended with that person, and I tried to have a relationship with a guy who was nowhere near ready for what I was looking for that I realized I never listened to my instincts.

The power of your instinct is so incredibly important. It’s one of our main sources of our spiritual power to help guide us through life situations. Not just in relationship stuff but everyday stuff.

Ive been home for 6 months now trying to  indulge in my journey of “finding myself”.    Yet I still long to meet my soulmate. I know everyone says “he will come when you aren’t looking” but it’s hard to not look. I want to love someone, connect with someone. Nurture someone. Care about someone. I feel like I’m getting to a stage in my life where I want to meet him sooner than later because I don’t want to start a family late. I want to begin my family around 27years old.. I’m 24 right now so that gives me 3 years. 3 years id like to build a foundation with someone.

Yet here I sit, with my two cats. Just cats! They don’t cuddle me back, they don’t tell me I’m beautiful. They don’t take me on adventures. I know I’m being stubborn. I know the universe has a plan for me. Maybe there are lessons I need to learn first before I find my special someone. Maybe I need to focus on me right now, my personal growth, my courses I want to take. The things I want to know. I need the time I have now, without someone distracting me, to learn, grow and better understand who I am.

So here it goes again. I’ll give it a better shot this time. Starting with this blog site! Here goes nothing!