Uncategorized

Making the right choices for you.

You look around and all you see is the people around you getting married, having kids, posting about their wicked vacation their on or how in love they are. It’s all around us… Especially at this age.

I’m 25 and parts of me feels like I’ve fallen behind on some track of life.

But then you look forward and you see divorce, child custody battles, married couples who can’t stand one another but still fake it on their social media. The lists go on, I’m sure you already have some in your head.

So you sit and contemplate, do you join society in getting a dating app and swiping for attraction and find something that may or may not be right but fill a void of feeling alone for now? Or do you stick to your own path, be the lone wolf because deep down you want something real, something better for yourself.

You’ve waited this long, you’ve probably been in at least one or a couple serious relationships by now, you have a pretty good idea of what you want to feel when you meet the one for you.

Here’s a way to stay true to yourself, with clarity:

Step 1- Decide exactly how YOU want to live your life, how you want it to turn out, for only you, do not factor in anyone else, just you. (Unless of course you have a child to think about which of course that needs to be considered into your plans now.)

Step 2- Write it down. Write exactly how it feels, what you hear, what you see, what you smell, what you taste. The words you hear, the people you have around you, your dream partner, how he/she treats you. Write it in present tense as If you already have it.

Step 3- Before making ANY decisions moving forward, as yourself, “Will this get me closer to the life I want to live, or further from it?” Think of how your decisions will affect that future rather than your immediate satisfactions.

Now, be aware the path that you have the least resistance to, will in most cases take you further from you end goal than the choice that seems more difficult. “But an easy trek in the wrong direction is ultimately far more exhausting and devastating than an uphill climb toward euphoria.”

It is your life, you are the one who is carrying yourself through it, you are the one making the choices. You have gotten yourself here, now where do you want to go?

Make choices that honour you. Do not look around you to seek validation from what others are doing, they are on their own path, and often you will find they are learning and make mistakes to. People may seem like they know all the answers and try to give you their opinions, you may want to take that opinion, but remember, this is your life.

If you do not honour yourself, what is all this for? You are here for a reason. When you live out your true potential, you inspire others to do the same.

 

Some material from one of my favourite books–> Buddhist Boot Camp, By Timber Hawkeye (A MUST read!!)

 

Single Mom Life, Uncategorized

Choosing to be a single mom.

It wasn’t easy in the slightest. It all began in the washroom at Walmart, at 7:05 am. I waited in the parking lot for about an hour before they opened there doors because I could not go any longer without being sure. So there I was… looking down at these two pink lines on a pregnancy test in a stall in the public washroom at Walmart. So many thoughts went through my head… my head was spinning. I put it in my purse, walked out, and went back to my car. Then I cried.

I called my bestfriend, she knew right away, she wasn’t sure what to say or how to properly say it. She did her best and told me its really up to me what I do next and gave me support in whatever direction I chose. I began to drive home, I couldn’t sit alone in my thoughts. No song could help me right now. So I called another bestfriend, she always gives me good advice. She said a lot of helpful words to keep my mind at ease. I lost reception so I decided to just make it home.

My mom was there waiting. I had sent her a photo of the test while I was in the stall so I had a bunch of texts from her I hadn’t opened. She came outside to my car and acted like this was the best news ever. My heart was numb, I told her not to get too excited as I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet.

I had to tell the father. The last time we spoke we got in a fight and he basically told me that we never need to speak again and it would be better that way. I texted him and told him I needed to speak to him and it was important, to please call me when he could. While I sat there talking with my mom, the phone rang. My heart pounded. I answered.

“Hello?” I said. “Hey, what do you want.” He replied. I took a deep breath… How was I going to even say this out loud to him? I gathered myself together the best I could and began, “Well, I don’t know exactly how to say this.. but I took a pregnancy test and well.. I’m pregnant.” He was silent, he followed with what I figured he would say by saying I need to be real about this, that we are both not ready for it, especially him, and I should consider getting rid of it. However, ill give him the benefit of the doubt he still made sure to say, whatever I choose he will support me. When we hung up the phone I left it with the fact that I had a lot to think about and that I would be going to the doctor as soon as I could and figure out my options. He texted me later and said he would like to go.

I should also mention at this point he had already found a new girlfriend he was dating since we well, you know. So all of this was just one of my biggest nightmares in the sense that I always wanted to have kids, but never like this. My heart was shattered.

We met a few days later to go to the doctor, who confirmed I was indeed pregnant. Then again in Walmart parking lot.. we sat at our vehicles and he basically said everything he could to convince me not to go through with this. When we finally left the conversation I drove myself to the beach. I had to think.

As I sat there I prayed and prayed for god to help this choice become clear to me. I felt so lost. I went back to my car and I called the abortion clinic. They were closed, I left a message. Later on that night I decided to join a single moms group to see what other single moms advice would be. The support and love and strength I felt from the responses helped me immensely. I knew then, I could in fact do this, with or without him.

So I sent him a text saying I will be doing this, and his role is completely up to him. Later on that night he replied, and said lets do this, and give it the best shot we have. Not together romantically, but as a team to raise this child. It really made me feel so much more relieved.

So there I was, officially embracing my first steps of being a mom… I had to break the news to important family members. I was so scared to tell my dad. When I eventually did he surprised me and gave me his support no matter what. I realised that I wasn’t going to be alone, I had a village to help raise my child. Even the fathers side of the family reached out to me and made sure I knew they would be there.

Now I’m 4 1/2 months pregnant, and boy I’ve gone through ups and downs I’m half way there and I’m excited, scared, nervous, and everything in between. However; I know in my heart I will be the best mom I possibly can. Its about me and my child now. I have a deeper purpose, I’m creating life inside me. It feels beautiful and nerve racking all at once. I’m glad I made this choice.

All I knew is I would look back and wonder what if my whole life if I chose not to have it. And I knew I wouldn’t look back and think, “Damn I wish I didn’t have this child.”38697879_304410736796310_8114340626952093696_n

Whatever choice you choose to make, at the end of the day, is the right choice for you. You can get the opinions from so many different people, but ultimately it is your choice, one you have to live with forever. Make it the right one.

Uncategorized

So you want to write a book?

So I wanted to write a book…. sorry, let me rephrase; I want and will write a book.

I thought I knew everything when I became awakened, some people know what I mean when I say that, a lot of people think ya okay. But for real, I was there before thinking this was it in life and I’m living to work 8+hrs a day have two days off a week if I’m lucky, pay bills, drink to forget, get stoned to relax, and one day get married and have a family and be more responsible. Ha… but then I became awoken, and since then slowly but surely I awaken bit by bit more and more all the time. I’m open to receive.

I’m open to receive messages, to learn new things, to see people as they are, to accept the difference, to new realizations and discoveries, and to grow.

So what does this have to do with the book? Well I’m sure it will incorporate its way in there. But what I’ve came to realize is a book can’t be written in little time with one realization of awakening. If I’m going to write a book I’m going to live through the things I want to eventually get others to, and be the living example of the success at the end. awakening was just the beginning.

Now how to create the life of my dreams, to find self love, to take control of my life and my circumstances and not let life’s tests distract me or get in the way. Yes I’m awoken, but I’m far from living my dream.

So my next few months I will be truly practicing this game of life, testing out theories, changing my thought process, making jumps, doing things that scare me, working my ass off to get to that point that everyone wants. Pure happiness. Not a mirror of anyone else’s happiness. But my own. Not what my parents want, why my friends think I should do, what my boss thinks I should do. What I want. I’m going to follow my soul.

When I get to the point of peace, contentment, happiness. That is when I will piece together my legacy of how I powered through that shit. And how other people can to. Because I want to leave behind something on this world worth while for the future. Because there is more to life than working until we die. Everyone has their own unique path. And one day I will share my own.

Come at me life, I’ve made it this far through some seemingly unbearable moments, the hell if I’ll let anything stop me now.

Uncategorized

Lost in the night.

I’m stuck in this circle of doubts and unresolved feelings that come up and surround me, like a twister.

I sit back and try to be the observer… asking myself things like “why do I react this way?” “How can I prevent these thoughts?” “How do I want to feel?” “Why does this affect my energy so easily?”

It’s a mixture of everything lately, from words of self doubt, feeling not good enough, not having those pretty eyelashes like all them other girls do, spending 100$ every 3 weeks to get semi permanent fake ones to try to step up to their level of pretty… then wondering, why would I want to change my natural beauty to compete… because I think my ex likes girls who wear eye lashes and makeup… maybe it will make him want to be with me… why would I want a man who doesn’t love me for what’s on the inside… why am I still looking backwards? It’s good against my whole brand… I’m dragging on…

On that note, I know I’ve established a sense of low self esteem, since my other ex cheated on me I haven’t truly been able to find my self esteem again. You see I know I’m beautiful, I know I have so much love to give, I have drive, I’m not a gold digger, I have dreams and passions, I stay as positive as I can, I’m social… but still I am stuck with this feeling of not being good enough… my high school sweetheart didn’t want to keep me, my relationship after cheated on me with multiple people, and I haven’t truly been able to open up to someone ever since. I almost feel like I’ve built into my subconscious that I am not good enough or capable of attracting the men I actually want but never seem to end up with.

I even know how to reprogram my subconscious and how to use manifestation meditations, yet I haven’t been using them.. even writing this makes me realize it may be time to start.

On another note I am stuck with the feeling of responsibility for helping my family become happy. Even though I know it has to come from them, I do everything I am doing in life to learn about happiness, healing, spirituality and health, to try to be able to help them. In return it leaves me drained because when I do try to help I find they push me out and think I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t know how they feel and find all more reasons to blame, not take responsibility for their life, or to stay stuck in the past or stressed about the future. It ends in them making me either feel like I’m some weird voodoo person, or rolling their eyes at my efforts, or just getting upset with me and storming out of the conversation. When everything I do has been inspired to help them.

So maybe it isn’t my job to help them at all, maybe I should focus more on just helping myself, not feel selfish for it, and take my learnings to create shifts and a better life for myself!

Then I’m stuck worrying about what my own future is going to look like, how I will achieve my dreams, and so stuck on the future. And trying to get rid of my own past so I can move forward, when I know I have to live in the present… I put so much pressure on myself.

I always try my hardest to be as positive as possible all the time, but I guess I just wanted to be honest with what tends to fill my head that I have to constantly fight with and learn to let go of.

Sleep tight dragonflies. ❤

New Realizations

Break Free

Have you ever gone through life constantly having one thing after another happen to you, leaving you feeling like a victim? Asking why does this happen to me? Leaving you thinking there must not be a “god” or higher spirit or whatever you wanna call it and if there is he must be punishing you. I know I’ve definitely been there. In fact it actually took me years to really find any sense in who I was meant to be and why my life has turned out this way. The good thing is, it can and will get better. The news you may not want to hear is, its entirely up to you..

If you haven’t already been told, our brain is like an iceburg. We use 10% of it in our daily life, with our choces we make, our quick decisions, daily plans, short term memories. The other 80% has been programmed throughout the years of our lives, our subconscious. It holds our long term memories, belief systems, where our dreams our created. From the ages 0-6 Years old, our subconscious is like a sponge, everything we pick up in those years is solidified by the age of 6 and carries forward in our daily lives for years to come, whether we know it or not. BUT, the cool thing to know is you can actually REPROGRAM your subconscious!! Yes that’s right you read that right… It takes patience and repetition, but its doable! I will get back to this later on.

So just to be clear, you were not responsible for the beliefs and perhaps the traumas you have experienced as a child, but you are 100% responsible for how you deal with it as an adult.

I grew up in a Christian family, went to church, bible school, bible camps etc. So it was great I grew up believing in a higher spirit but I also felt there was something more to know, and things didn’t add up. I was told once while in bible camp that I was not aloud to believe in both god, and reincarnation. So I left that summer taking my faith away from god and chose to believe in just reincarnation. For years this began to affect my life negatively because I no longer knew how to believe in a “higher spirit” I was one of those people who said I believe in me and am just living for today.. while this is great, it wasn’t satisfying, it takes away the fact that there is a divine plan for you.

When you are not aligned with your true intention for greater good and in connection with the “universe” or “god” or “the divine” “higher spirit” whatever you want to call it, you don’t know what your living for anymore. It almost takes you away from yourself in a sense, you start to live for exterior satisfactions. Mine was my family or friends, all I lived for was making them happy or laugh. It was great but I still felt I had no true purpose. And when I lost family members and friends I felt there must not be a god if I lost that person. So one day after I felt enough was enough and dug into some spiritual books and documentaries, I finally had my own first awakening.

I wanna make note, before this, nobody could have told me differently it was entirely up to me to make the steps and choose to even glue into those steps. Your spiritual journey is your own, it will come on your own time, in your own way, you just got to start walking, when your ready.

For me, I was flying over the world, literally.. I was in an airplane and I was flying home from a much needed trip with my family and friends back home. I had just gone through a breakup with someone who was about to move in with me and I started listening to my instincts for once and decided I couldn’t do it, when I was looking down at the world below me and reading “The universe has your back” by Gabrielle Burnstien and I was writing down my answers to the questions she was asking in one of the last chapters, it was something like “What would your life look like if you knew you were being guided” “What would you do differently if you knew the universe had your back?” “Do you have spiritual proof that the universe is guiding you?” It wasn’t until I actually wrote these answers out and re read what I wrote that this feeling inside me overtook all my senses..  I looked around at the people around me and wondered if they could feel it to.. I could hear all the advice that parents, friends, siblings, mentors ever has told me rushing through my head. It was like it all just.. clicked… I got off the plane and as soon as I landed I took a deep breath and ass I exhaled I felt every stress and worry leave my body, there was no need to look back anymore. I knew this was the beginning of great things to come. My alignment was back.

After this I took a certification to be a life coach practitioner, decided one day I will release a book, and embarked on a spiritual journey of energy healing, yoga, reiki, crystals, etc. It was in my life coach course I first heard of the 0-6 years of our subconscious and how we can reprogram it. A good way to start, is affirmations. Make a list of affirmations you would like to believe even if you don’t believe it yet. Just by saying them to yourself daily will end up programming them into your subconscious and in return begin to show up in your everyday life. Another great way is what I call a personal meditation or a “life script” its where you make a paragraph long script of your life how you want it to be but in present tense, using very descriptive positive words. You repeat it 5x on a recording, and listen to it once when you wake up and once before bed. This allows your subconscious to be programed to believe a new reality rather than the reality it has believed up until now, in return, manifesting the life you want! … like I said, its all up to you!

“Where the mind goes, the man follows.” So where do you want to go?

life lessons

“You have a collect call from…”

I can remember it like it was yesterday, receiving the calls collect from prison. Hearing my brother say “ro..ddy..” “to accept the charges press 1 now. Etc.

Many times I hung up the minute I heard “correctional institution”. If I could take those calls back today I would in a heart beat.

I tried to give him tough love, I tried to protect myself. I felt it was necessary for me to keep myself away from him so I did not have to feel pain anymore. Every time I saw him outside of prison or spoke to him it was hard on me. Maybe I was being selfish? Maybe I was right. All I know is when I got the call from my dad letting me know my brother was dead. All I wanted to hear was his voice again.

I kept thinking, no, he’s going to call back. I kept hoping for that “unknown” caller screen to pop up. But nothing. He really was gone.

He begged me to go see him in prison. I drove passed the prison every day on my way to college. I looked at it and thought how odd it was he was in here. Now when I drove to school I thought, why did I never stop?

It haunted me. I thought, I gave him though love thinking it would save him like so many people talked about. Instead he was gone and I had to live knowing I didn’t spend his last years trying.

I didn’t want to see him that way, remember him like that. Was I doing that for him? Or for me? Was I selfish? I ripped away one of the most important relationships he could’ve had, his blood sibling.

For years I buried my pain. I had to be strong for my mom and my brother. I saw them hurting and I numbed myself. I had to show them someone was stable and it would be okay. I buried it so much I stopped learning to deal with it.

I chose relationships with men who reminded me of my brother, I tried to make up for where I went wrong and I tried to give them unconditional love, never gave up, never pushed them away. I just tried to show them they were special. Like I wished I had for my brother. In return it back fired on me.

I opened my heart to people who hurt me. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. Until one day, I realized… I had to let go. I had to let go of what I was resenting inside, so it would stop coming back into my life. I had to let go of the blame I held, and remember he was in charge of his own actions. I had to let go of the responsibility I thought I had over his life. I had to simply, let go of anything I thought of him, properly, and just fill my heart with love. My own love, his love, the universes love.

You see, it wasn’t my fault my brother passed away, nor was it wrong of my to protect myself before he passed. There was nothing I could have done differently to stop what was meant to be. His soul was needed elsewhere. He was in peace finally.

I have a whole life here in front of me currently in place I have to focus on. Holding on to the past was only bringing the past back into my life over and over. It was time to live for the now. It is time to live for today.

I’m lucky to be alive, lucky to see my niece and nephew grow. Lucky to ba around my family, have the friends I have. I’m lucky to have a great future ahead of me, whatever that may be. I will accept if the dark feelings arise, allow myself to feel them, and let them pass through. So I can continue to live for today.